A short letter to PT from Canada

Well, Panzer – what would you think if you could see me now? That’s a question my therapist has asked me nearly every session I’ve had with her, especially over the last four or five visits. “And, what do you think Liane would say to that?” or “What would Liane say to you if she were here in the room with us?”. Invariably I told her that you’d be telling me to go easy on myself and to slow down, to be more present and less busy.

I’m in Canada at the moment. I’m travelling over here for two months – a month on each coast and a few frisbee tournaments for good measure. I think you’d love where I’ve been so far – the gentle and kind people, the outdoors buzz and the amount of time I’ve spent sitting still – reading, thinking, being. I even found a nice chai latte spot.

I arrived into Quebec tonight after flight delays and sleep deprivation. I’m sitting here in the dark writing my thoughts out to try and steady my mind and maybe get to sleep. A wave of melancholy washed over me quite suddenly tonight and it's been really hard to shake off. 

I still find it weird travelling without you. Nearly 14 months on and the way we were so used to going places together is as fresh in my mind as ever. I feel like a tandem missing a wheel. It was all so sudden Pannie – so final. No last adventure or chance to tick one of the places off our list. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to airports again.

I’ll either read this in the morning and delete the whole thing or just throw it up on the website warts and all. It’s so hard to know any more. I was so certain of so much and now its seas of doubt and loneliness.

I miss you.