Sometimes my mind is capable of rare moments of clarity where everything seems to make sense in a sort of broad arcing way that ties a lot of ideas and thoughts together. It is as if life has slowed down and clicked into place in a way I don't see very often. When this happens I find relief in it, a sort of comfort and control that eases me.
So often in the past 3 months I have looked at my purpose in life. What am I here for? What is my aim? Do I have a predestined purpose? Is there even such a thing? Is someone else or something else in charge of my fate or am I? Are we all part of a design? Is life about living then that's it?
Perhaps more frequently I've been asking myself if the many coincidences are signs of some sort or just a simple yearning from my psyche/heart for signs of the person I miss so much. So many things have happened that feel like Liane has had a hand in them - events, meeting people, token finds, conversations, moments in nature and more. It can really feel like she's communicating with me (and others), which sounds utterly crazy. I think this is a natural feeling that some people cherish and hold on to. It's hard not to look for hope and love when all around you is chaos and fear.
Then comes the hard and cold realisation that she's gone. It is a fact that I need to face, both with others and on my own. I've come home to our house a few times this week and had an uplifting feeling of her being here only to walk up the stairs or open a door and be alone. I spent a really special day with her family on Saturday and felt her there but not there. So often the phrase "Liane would love this" was said...
I'm not sure what life is about or why we are here but what I am sure of is of how rich a tapestry life weaves around us. So much of what happens to us all is linked. So much of the coincidence, the joy, the pain and the daily struggle is shared. In the hard times and the unhappy times this gives me some measure of comfort - to know that others have survived what I'm going through and that others can gain from what I am sharing and learning. Somebody recently told me that after the all-enveloping pain come small shards of light - little signs of hope. Maybe this shared existence is beginning to send some of those shards my way.