I'm sitting here at the kitchen table in my house trying to gear myself up for a 1500m open sea swimming race at lunch time. I'm a bit tired, feeling flat and a little guilty about not having written here recently. I've so much to say and yet right now my thoughts are short on clarity and passion, a jumbled mess of half ideas and unclear expressions.
For a change I'm fighting to find the words I need to express myself. Maybe it's the fact I was out drinking yesterday or haven't slept too well. Maybe the emotional toll of this month is too much - the incessant hits of birthdays, anniversaries and milestones. Maybe I need to step away from the laptop and do something else... But that would be giving in. Part of the idea behind this website was to share my emotions to show what I'm going through - a window into grief and it's baggage. To not post seems to me like an easy way out. And yet, pressurising myself doesn't do me any good. Self-awareness; a double-edged sword.
I'm going to take today in simple blocks. I think the clutter in my mind is a mental reflection of the clutter in my house and the lack of routine in my days - a sense of drifting pervading my thought process. I can simplify things and clear my brain. Food. Swim. Start work on one room in the house. Then to Dunkirk. Clarity through simplicity and singularity. Easy, right? We'll see.