Repeat until trivial?

Another Dart journey spent fighting back tears hoping to avoid anyone I know. I can’t handle it today, quite suddenly too; I’ve had a good day on many counts. 

But todays not what I want to talk about. I want to try and get across an idea that’s been prickling at me a while, bubbling under my surface and looking for a way out. Well, here’s hoping I can give the thought the words and phrases worthy of it... 

A few weeks ago I stood halfway in and halfway out of my office. It was the middle of the day and during a class period, students tucked away in classrooms and corridors empty, for the most part. Myself and a colleague stood there sharing our respective grief through familiar tears and a volcano of rushed honesty and bitter truths. We got to the kernel of the conversation pretty quickly, a private thought being shared for the first time - “how often do I tell Liane’s story using the same words I’ve used before? How often can this language be repeated until it loses meaning, hubris and emotion?. Is that even possible? And if it is, how do I feel about it?”

I know it’s easier to talk about the broad brush strokes of her life now than it was two/four/six months ago. But how easy is it to discuss the fine details? The deeper and more important nuances. Are they private? Should I even share as much as I do? Everyone knows she hated small talk...

I keep reminding myself - there are no rules here. There are no guidelines. This is unchartered territory for me, just as much as it has been and is for others all around me. Strangers on this train are hurting from loss. Both new and old loss, raw or blunted, but loss; ever present loss.  How are they coping with it? Who do they turn to? What does their life look like now?

(Skip the/her/our La La Land song on the playlist before it gets me again. City of Stars no longer). 

I drifted. My mind is wide open today, my brain keen to help my heart express itself, the pain bringing with it a crystallisation of thought and a flurry of half-explored ideas. What I’m trying to convey in this post is a simple thought with a difficult thought process behind it... Is the discussion of Lianes life and who she was lessened by repetition? Or, is my mind unaccustomed to telling so many people so much so often? Can she, and I, become some sort of dinner table topic? Does it matter? Am I overthinking it all? I don’t know any answers to all this. I know I’m doing my best for her memory and for now that’s all I can do. 

So many questions PT. You left us all with so many questions...