As another month passes I find myself busy, relentlessly busy. This isn't new. I've often been this way - it was cause of a lot of upset between myself and Liane. She always disagreed with me about how much I took on, how much I committed to and how many others I put ahead of us, ahead of her and maybe most importantly to Liane, ahead of me. I learned to control the desire to help with everything, to organise everything and to be at everything. I thought hard about what I needed from all this involvement and what I thought I was getting from it. Was it a popularity thing? Was I really that scared of missing out on something? Was I scared to stop and take stock in case I found something I didnt like?
Somewhere and somehow I've drifted back into the pattern. The reason is easier, simpler this time - fear of being alone. But the solution is not found in careering around living life at top speed. Instead I'm in a permanent state of exhaustion - physically, mentally and emotionally. My brains tired. My hearts tired. My soul is tired.
So what to do? Well, I'm trying harder to make time for myself and to choose to spend time alone. I'm trying harder not to book something for every night in a week. I'm trying to sleep for longer and eat better food. It's a difficult process that doesn't come easily to me. It needs work.
Everything needs work.