Liane died 6 months ago today.
How is that even possible? What have I been doing all that time? How much of my life has she missed? How much of the life we had planned together have we missed? If she were here where would we be on that path?
I think of the plans we had, the dreams we'd nourished, the home we'd lovingly built and all that potential of our paired future... I think about all that a lot, especially lying in bed at night. It seems like such a waste for it to be gone, just like that, taken away. I feel so sorry for everyone and everything Liane loved who/that doesn't get her love any more. I miss her smile, her warmth and her touch. But more than that her strength, her reassurance and her encouragement. She guided me more than I ever knew.
Today will be a blur. It started with a beautiful swim in the forty foot surrounded by friends and love. It was dark, cold, windy and yet serene. The sky was full of stars, the sun slowly edging up over the horizon and the mood warm. We played Don't Worry Be Happy and stood in a semi-circle facing out to the ocean weeping, smiling, hugging. It was another sad but beautiful moment to join the ever-increasing folder in my memory bank.
The podcast was released - I spoke about it on an earlier post. I had a listen which was odd and upsetting. I'm glad I did it and look forward to the feedback. I'm at work now, on lunch and after the afternoon I will head for the airport. The day will finish in Donegal preparing for the wedding of friends. Two wonderful people starting down their road tomorrow - a wedding Liane would have been so excited for.
I'm scared to look too far forward. I'm dealing with each hurdle as it arises and getting through the worst of it in one piece. I'm working hard at life at the minute and learning, growing and hurting. To think any further than the next couple of weeks is frightening, but what will the next 6 months bring? To me? To my family? To my friends? Hopefully less pain, hopefully less pain.