For the first time since Liane died I missed one of the monthly anniversaries this month. On May 20th - a Sunday - I was in Berlin at a frisbee tournament, playing and drinking in the sun. I spoke of her, thought of her and felt her at times in some of the connections I made that day. But, I didn't think of her anniversary - not until the Monday when it hit me like a cold dagger. 

It is such a strange concept - guilt from not remembering the 13th month of your soulmate leaving your life. I mean, am I meant to mark every month? Am I not meant to? Where's the balance? Should I forget? Is that possibly some sort of strange progress?

I don't know the answers to all of these questions. What I do know is what I feel and what I felt. And in that split second of realisation on Monday May 21st I felt hurt, disappointed, guilty and like I'd let Pannie down...