MIA: 1 x companion
I guess I've always been with someone. In 6th year of school, for the first few years of college, for the next few years of after college and then Liane. I love the intimacy, the companionship, the sharing, the leaning, the being leaned on. I mean, what are we here for? To meet a soul mate and build a family was always one of my answers to that question.
In Liane I'd found my perfect companion. Everything about her - I felt like a chancer of a lightweight boxer who'd tricked a title-winning heavyweight to dance with me. I was the cat covered in cream. We fit. I've spoken before about how people work together - you look across at how two bodies fold into shape together and marvel how they ever existed apart. That was what we felt like. Aside from that physical attraction and tangible matching our personalities seemed to complement and enhance. Our wits sparked, our philosophies flirted, our boundaries ebbed and flowed as our souls grew closer and closer. She became my best friend - loyal, loving, supportive, caring, intrigued and intriguing.
Without her the world is so newly strange. There's so much unshared now. There's no more giddy texts to her about the funny sounding lady on the train or the odd colour of my chai latte. There's no clutching embrace after time apart or simultaneous sighs after long days at the office. It's lonely, and in an acute way I've never experienced before. Sure I can hang out with other people - and I do - but my mind often wanders and soon my heart follows. What I'd do for one more evening collapsed on the couch in a jumble of limbs...
I don't know if I'll ever feel that sort of bond again. Part of me wonders if I'd ever want to and another part guiltily yearns it. As with so much of my life, confusion reigns and through it I stumble, "yearning to belong" as the Nick Mulvey song goes...