I'm writing this from a near empty Dart train carriage on my way home from Killester to Glasthule. I'm tired. I've had a long and turbulent day, that in hindsight has been almost a perfect microchosm of my current life. I'm emotionally drained and ready for my bed. Soon I'll be waking up to do it all again...
So what happened?
The day began well - a spectacular swim. A low ruby of a sun sat prettily over a pond-like sea, hardly a whisper of wind and a calm silence that makes you feel equal parts lucky to be so close to nature and utterly insignificant. We swam. We chatted. We laughed. My body was happy.
I later met a friend for coffee and we spoke about Liane and how we missed her. Our emotions flooded out. It was lovely - two of us talking, crying, sharing and comforting. I needed it. I didn't know at the time but I needed it. I got home exhausted and cried more. Reading old messages, looking at old belongings - the wave had taken hold and I needed it to wash me to wherever it was going. I let it bring me deep and it hurt.
Soon it was time for meeting another friend with whom I swim, usually longer distances. We met, chatted, drove and then swam. It was sunny and windy. My brain focused on swimming, on the current, on the new location and the pretty scenery. I felt free and alive, happy and glad. I met other friends for lunch then popped in to school to do some work. I was feeling stronger and was pushing myself to get a lot done.
Suddenly I found myself involved in a tough conversation and the mood flipped. My mind changed. I needed to leave. I was claustrophobic and stuck. I needed out. It comes on so fast - the helplessness and the pain. It dominates. I left for the city centre, for fresh air, for my own thoughts...
Town was a blur. A confusing stepping stone to the next part of my day. I bought and shopped and wandered in and out shops aimlessly, unsure of what I was doing. My brain was fried. I ate and headed to play frisbee near Killester which turned out to be fun and a great end to the up and downs of the previous 14 hours.
Everythings so different now. Here I am homeward bound to an empty house. Days come and go in different shapes and sizes leaving trails of pain and sometimes of joy. The complex rhythm of my new existence is an elusive beat, one I'm still chasing, yearning. Soon it'll be bed again and another chance to sleep and wake up for more of the same perhaps.