Today I fly to France for some time away from Dublin. I'll be playing a beach Ultimate tournament called Yes But Nau in the north west with a team of players mostly based in London. On Tuesday I'm heading to Amsterdam to work and play with a clothing company called Five at the biggest tournament in Europe - Windmill. I get back on the 12th of June.
So, how do I feel about it? To be honest I'm pretty scared. I worry about the many conversations about Liane's passing that I'll be having. I'm nervous about down time with nobody around - time usually spent texting/calling Liane on these type of trips. I'm unsure how I'll feel about the constant social side of the trip - usually something I enjoy immensely, but recently something I've been pretty ambivalent about. I've also got a guilty feeling - should I be going away? Should I not be staying around to help friends and family?
I've spoken to lots of people about the trip and to a person they think it'll be good for me. And part of me is excited too - I've lots of close friends in Amsterdam and old opponents I'll see in France. The love and support I've received from the community of the sport I play has been breath-taking. I couldn't quantify it in words if I tried. But behind the positivity is a niggling worry. I guess it was the same coming back to work, the same going to the house, the same walking the streets without her...
Whatever happens, its another step forward down the new road and another brick in the new foundations.