Raw exhaustion

I survived the weekend. It was every bit as difficult as people told me it would be and now I sit here spent - dizzy with exhaustion on a Monday after work. I spent the day getting through it - keeping one foot in front of the other and waiting for the quiet sanctity of my own home to let the upset pour out. 

Today I visited the same funeral home Liane reposed in before we brought her home to wake her. It was strange being back there in a sort of numb way that I wasn't able to process at the time. Walking in the door brought a shiver of cold memory and pain quickly replaced by the harsh reality of why I was there. It felt like another step taken, another hurt faced and another sort of selfish task completed - toward what end I'm not quite sure but completed. 

Everything from Friday until Sunday couldn't have run any smoother or been a better way to send Liane off, again. My family, her family and all our friends were there in numbers at her tree in Blackrock, at the graveside in Wexford, at a party in Dalkey and at a swim in the Forty Foot. It was a big cocoon of love, tears, hope and sadness. I ran out of words and energy but every face and touch brought me a little more strength. For that I'll be forever thankful. 

Rest easy Pannie. We miss you so much.