For over a month now there has been a steady counting down of the weeks, the days and the hours to Friday April 20th - Liane's 1 year anniversary. It's approaching like a big barrier on my calendar - one I'm going to face with a mix of fear, sadness, exhaustion and resignation.
I really don't know what I will feel on the day - will there be the raw pain of that day one year ago? Hopefully not. Will there be a sense of relief as the build up to the date ends? Possibly. Will there be the usual sense of loneliness an hurt that comes around with all the first time without Liane dates? Definitely.
I've made all sorts of plans for the weekend. In a way it's a coping mechanism in itself - planning, organising and trying to make sure other people are involved and happy. I think the prevailing emotion is a tired sadness. It's so tiring being upset so often and the one person who I'd turn to for help is gone.
Under a week to go...