Another hurdle cleared...

At times writing this blog is tricky, in fact, quite often I find it tricky. There are lots of reasons - a pressure to express myself honestly and clearly, the worry that it could offend/hurt someone close to me in some way and maybe most of all, the fear of not doing someone as special as Liane justice through my thoughts and words. 

Today it is tricky because I want to write about how I felt at a wedding I attended over the weekend. I'm conscious that weddings are about two people - the couple getting married. They aren't about the families, the friends, the staff or anyone else in attendance. They are about two people in love declaring that love publicly, surrounded by those closest to them. That's why this post feels selfish. I don't want to take the focus off the wonderful couple from Sunday, but I need to process and I figured this might help someone else some day so here goes...

I'd thought very little before the wedding about how I'd feel at it. I love my cousin dearly, she's like a second sister to me, so my focus was on her excitement and the natural build up to the big day for her. I don't know whether it was through naivety or self preservation but I simply didn't
prepare myself for the occasion. It wasn't until I was sitting in the middle of a full row at the ceremony watching the smiling bridesmaids saunter down the aisle that I realised what I was about to sit through. That familiar tight throat began...

Our wedding was a day I'll never forget. The feeling of love and happiness in the room was so very special. We'd carefully planned the readings, the music, our vows and all the small details. I saw the same on Sunday - a ceremony crafted out of love, respect and warmth. It oozed happiness and joy and brought me straight back to Clifden on that day in July, over two years ago now.  I sat there listening to the celebrant talk about the beauty of marriage and what it meant to have someone for the rest of your life. I heard my cousin and her lucky man share touching vows about living long lives together. And I sat there, sandwiched between my siblings, my heart torn in two, my face scrunched up and the tears pouring. It's the hardest thing I've done in months. 

All that said, would I change it? Not for the world. I wanted to be there. I chose to be there. I could've not attended but the fact is I wouldn't have missed that wedding ceremony for the world. And, the positive out of it (aside from being there to share their day)? Well it's another obstacle faced and overcome. It's another experience that was difficult but that will give me strength. I've been to that part of my pain and I've embraced it and got past it. That stands for a lot for me right now. That makes me stronger.