Surviving the firsts

After all the build up, the worry, the pain and the sorrow Christmas Day has come and it has gone. I can now add it to the growing pile of occasions and landmarks that I’ve faced and survived. With that comes a sort of grim sense of achievement or maybe a little nugget of self belief that somehow I can keep going in this mess.  

The day itself was a busy day full of love, celebration and support. Every step I took it felt like there were people beside me and behind me to help if I faltered. I could almost touch Liane she was so present in so much of it - in the warmth of her family, the mischief of the board games and the love of the various clinches. 

For me the hardest part was the day before when a wave of grief washed over me like a tsunami - destructive and relentless. I expect there will be many more days like that but yesterday was a comforting day, an example of how occasions don’t have to be misery and pain.

On to that I will hold in the future, when the bleaker side of grief tries to settle in.