Uncomfortably numb

Sometimes I wake up in a fog, my energy hard to draw on and my mood low. Liane used to call it my “funk”. It’s hard to explain - apathetic, unmotivated, flat and happier alone, or at least less unhappy alone. But the pervasive emotion is one of grey dullness. 

With every high must come a low. People like me who are naturally social, positive and outgoing have to have low points. It’s the nature of the beast. I guess it’s how we manage those low points that allows us to cope, or not cope. For the past decade I’ve had someone to help me through these patches. She’s gone now, so I’m turning to friends, to family and in time, to a professional (an important topic that I’ll come back to).

In the past I’ve gotten by with raw determination - a sort of grim wrestling match - to get up, to get moving and to face the day. I’ve used music to draw my mood out of greyness and to somewhere lighter. I’ve forced myself to exercise - playing Ultimate, running, cycling and now swimming. That first step is always the most difficult.

For the past couple of days that fog has settled and then drifted and then settled again. I wonder if it’s a self defence mechanism, shielding myself from the inevitable pain down the tracks. Or maybe a result of chasing sleep and a bout of man flu. No nurse Pannie to be found in the middle of the night. Whatever it is, this funk is taking its time to drift away. I imagine that’s pretty relatable for a lot of people this time of year. I’ll be asking around for advice on how best to go forward and get back up again. Help me up off this canvas.